My Favorite Thing About 'Fifty Shades Freed' Is How Terrible Everyone Is At Their Job

The single biggest laugh at my screening came when Christian earnestly tells Ana that she got her promotion through "hard work and talent," not her connections. Because, really: What work?

Most of Ana's time in the office is spent canceling appointments because of Christian-related shenanigans, cutting meetings short because of Christian-related shenanigans, and managing Christian's ego when he doesn't think she devotes enough time to Christian-related shenanigans.

The one time we see Ana doing actual work, it's just to tell someone to "make the font two sizes bigger in the hardcover." Just try not to be blown away by that kind of ambitious, out-of-the-box thinking!!!

Than again, maybe she's not working because she can't, because her office is filled with stacks of paper and no computer. This is an especially egregious oversight considering previous films were filled with Apple products – there's one scene in Darker that's basically just an unboxing video for a shiny new MacBook. I guess the company pulled its product placement deal. 

Jerry Roach

Oh, Jerry. I want to be nicer to Jerry since he's one of the few male characters in Fifty Shades who doesn't come across like a secret serial killer. But Jerry is very bad at running a publishing house! 

In Fifty Shades Darker, his mind was blown when Ana made the radical suggestion that they ... try growing their business. In this one, he is extremely impressed that Ana's risky gambit of signing a popular author has paid off.

Detective Clark (and, honestly, the entire Seattle police department)

At one point in the movie, Christian Grey calls the police to point out that it's probably not a coincidence that his sister has gone missing and his wife has withdrawn $5 million in cash on the same day that a violent criminal who's been stalking their family for months got out on bail. 

Literally what have these people even been doing this whole time.

Gia Matteo

Gia Matteo is a world-renown architect who's worked on many "prestige projects." Yet when she's hired to renovate the Greys' new home, it never occurs to her to ask her clients what they want before going ahead and drawing up complicated plans that, surprise surprise, turn out to be exactly the opposite of what her clients want. 

After all that, Gia never even ends up designing anything. She briefly resurfaces for a scene with Christian's brother, and then disappears again. We never find out what happened to the house.


We had such high hopes for Sawyer. Alas – I've met housecats that were harder to outwit than this "security expert." At one point, Ana needs to lure him into a different room so that she can slip out unnoticed. She calls him from like ten feet away, and he is instantly fooled!

Plus, he's a snitch. When Ana goes out for drinks, after promising Christian she wouldn't, Sawyer immediately tells on her to Christian. Come the fuck on, dude.

Actually, the entire Grey security team

Come to think of it, Sawyer is not the only blundering bodyguard in the Greys' employ. Every member of this family has a personal security team, and yet there are like three different instances in which these guards lose their charges. 

They lose Ana on the road, and then lose the car that was trailing Ana. They either fail to notice that Mia has gone missing, or fail to tell anyone. At one point, these people lose Ana in her own house, even though she wasn't even really hiding – just lying on a couch in a locked room that no one thought to check.

Christian Grey

Vincent Adultman toiling away at the business factory." data-reactid="68">After watching all three of these movies and reading half the first book, I still haven't the faintest idea what Christian Grey actually does, besides stare out of skyscraper windows looking troubled. Nor could I tell you anything about Grey Enterprises, other than that Gia is a big fan of their work in Africa. He might as well be Vincent Adultman toiling away at the business factory.

Like his wife, he spends most of his day obsessing about their relationship – running over to her office to scold her for not paying attention to him, driving over to her office to whisk her away on surprise vacation, planning last-minute business trips so he can try and force her to come along. 

I'm all for striking a good work-life balance, but this is just ridiculous. Even the dude who wrote that book about the four-hour work week is like, okay, but you know you still have to put those four hours in, right? 

For all of this, Christian is paid well enough that he can buy jets and homes as casually as you or I might buy a latte. If the Grey Enterprises board of directors had half a brain between them, they'd vote to oust him before he could say "red." 

Then again, keeping this guy in power does seem par for the course in a world as bad at work as the Fifty Shades one is.

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